Your questions about behaviour – What do I do when my child says, “I hate you”?

When your child is upset or frustrated and says things like, “I’m not your best friend” or “I don’t like you,” it can be hard not to feel upset or angry yourself.  

It might help to think about what your child really means; it takes us a long time to develop the skills needed to recognise our emotions and to talk to other people about them.  

They are saying, “I don’t like having to brush my teeth,” or “I wanted to finish playing and I am upset that you said I have to stop.”  

Sometimes simply thinking, “What do you really mean?” helps you to remain calm in the moment, which can, in turn, help your child to regulate.  

This can be hard, especially at the end of a long day when you are looking forward to sitting down with a cup of tea and your favourite programme or have a list of jobs in your mind that you are going to do once your child is in bed. 

Emotion coaching has five steps, and can be a helpful approach to supporting your child as they develop the skills they need to self-regulate.  

Step one – Awareness of your child’s emotions.  

Notice how your child is feeling. This might not necessarily be what they are saying, as they are still learning to recognise, understand and explain their emotions.   

Step two – Recognising your child’s expression of emotion as a moment for teaching and connection.  

If your child is upset, angry or disappointed, recognise the expression of their emotion as showing they need support and connection. Thinking of your child’s expression of emotion in this way can help you to regulate your own emotions, which helps you stay calm to support your child.   

This is the case even when your child seems to be saying they don’t want your support, so when saying, “You’re not my best friend.”  

Step three – Listening with empathy and validating your child’s emotions.   

When our children are upset or angry, it can feel like we should 'fix’ those feelings and provide a solution to the situation. But validating your child’s emotions and allowing them to be felt shows them they do not have to hide how they are feeling, and is important for their future wellbeing and mental health.  

For example, you might say, “I understand. I feel frustrated too when things don’t go my way.”   

Step four – Naming your child’s emotions, so they can learn the words to describe their emotions.  

Naming emotions can help your child to feel their emotions are valid. It also helps your child to learn the vocabulary they need to talk about their emotions, which might support them to express how they are feeling in different ways.  

“You are upset (or perhaps angry/disappointed) that is time to brush your teeth.”  

Step five – Setting limits and problem-solving.   

When you are supporting your child with their emotions, you will clearly communicate that it is ok to feel how they feel.  

However, you will still set limits on their behaviour to keep them safe, for example, “We need to brush your teeth to keep them healthy.” 

Be curious about your child’s response. Perhaps they don’t like the new toothpaste, or maybe they had a plan they wanted to complete before they finish playing? 

When your child is calm, help them to think about what needs to come next. What happened to make them upset or angry and what needs to happen now? Your child might need some support to think about this, perhaps with some simple questions and time to think and answer.  

Remember, when they are still feeling upset, frustrated or angry, they might not be able to think about all these steps. At that point they might just need your calm reassuring presence.   

With routines such as toothbrushing or having a wash, you could agree how you will do the routine. Perhaps have a toothbrushing song or a timer to help your child see how long they need to brush their teeth. 

You could always have a story after toothbrushing so your child knows that toothbrushing is followed by a cuddle and a favourite book. Involve them in deciding how you will organise this part of the day.  

Even with your carefully planned routine, your child might have days when they feel tired and find it more difficult to regulate their emotions. When they say things like, “I hate you,” this reflects their frustration, and they are telling you they don’t like that they have to brush their teeth.  

Think about your own tiredness too. It’s difficult for you to regulate when you are tired or thinking about the other things you need to do after your child is in bed. Take time to soothe yourself so you can share your calm with your child.  

Everyone has hard days, but by sticking with these tips you will navigate them together and continue to deepen the special bond between you. 

If you have any questions you would like us to answer, you can put them in our Facebook community or email us at hi5@mffy.com.