Why your baby might seem to be manipulating you, and why it’s a good thing

Does your baby look at you and smile when they want another snack, or become extremely cute showering you with affection when they want to play for longer? This might feel like the start of your baby learning how to manipulate you to get what they want, but in reality, babies won’t have the cognitive skills for intentional manipulation for many years to come.  

Instead, this is your baby discovering how social skills can help them, and others, to thrive in the world.  

Some of the skills recognised as part of child development are called prosocial skills – these are the things children do voluntarily to make connections with others. It includes things like being helpful, being kind and learning to cooperate.  

These skills begin to develop while your child is a baby (you are seeing some now) and as their cognitive and social skills develop into adulthood, they will become more able and willing to act in prosocial ways.  

We often see behaviour through an adult perspective, and through the perspective of our own remembered experiences.  

When we feel that someone is manipulating us to achieve something, our gut feeling can be that their behaviour is not good manners, or even hurtful. In some ways, your baby acting in a certain way to get or achieve something can feel like manipulation and this might trigger a need to stop them from doing it to others.  

Don’t let this gut reaction to the idea of manipulation encourage you to stop your baby. They need to take time to experiment with these early prosocial skills to learn more about how people react, connect and bond.  

Remind yourself that your baby doesn’t have the cognitive ability, emotional skills or impulse control to understand manipulation just yet, let alone to try and manipulate others. They won’t develop these skills for a long time.  

At the moment, your baby is learning how to get a response from you, and how this makes them feel. Respond to their cues and actions, and if you do have to hold a boundary which makes them sad, know this is ok.  

Learning when their actions are not going to influence the outcome is just as important for your baby as realising that they can.  

Your baby will need these skills as they grow to help them navigate being with other adults, forming friendships and feeling connected to their community. Letting them practise on you is a safe (and often enjoyable) experience with someone who has their best interests at heart.