Why sharing is a long way off for your baby

Your baby is starting to give a toy or object to someone else when they ask for it. This might seem like a step towards sharing – and many parents expect their toddlers to be able to share toys. But sharing is difficult and involves a variety of cognitive, social and emotional skills – so it is still a long way off for your baby!  

What skills does my baby need to be able to share?  

Social skills – knowing that other people have different thoughts, feelings and ideas 

Sharing involves understanding other people’s ideas and feelings. So, knowing that someone else might enjoy playing with the toy, and also that letting them play might influence what they think about you.  

Cognitive skills – controlling impulses, thinking and planning a response 

To decide to share, your baby needs to think to the future: why might sharing be a good thing?  

They need to recognise that when they share, they might generate goodwill – so next time someone might share with them.  

This involves being able to think not just about the immediate future and giving the toy to someone else for a turn, but also about the more distant future when this might influence another person’s response to them.  

Emotional skills – recognising how I feel and being able to control how I respond 

Sharing might involve feeling disappointed, or worried that you won’t get another turn with a toy. It could involve feeling angry or upset as you must stop what you are doing; to share successfully your baby needs to be able to stay calm while feeling this mixture of emotions.  

This can be difficult for everyone at times and is a skill that will take a long time for your baby to develop.  

Be patient  

So, for now, enjoy your baby’s willingness to help by passing a toy or object to you when asked. But be patient if they want to keep playing with a favourite toy and don’t expect them to share their things anytime soon. Show them with your actions how you take turns and share, and give them plenty of time to watch and learn.  

Reference:

Hirsh-Pasek, K., Michnick Golinkoff, R. (2003). Einstein never used flash cards. Rodale.