“What’s wrong with their hair?!” How to handle awkward questions while out and about
Have you found yourself feeling anxious about the things your child might say in public? Perhaps you have experience of them blurting out their thoughts about other people’s appearance at the worst possible moment... This is almost inevitable but there are ways to feel confident in the way you respond.
Children are inquisitive by nature, and learn through exploring, discussing and experiencing their world. They are also good at learning about what is familiar to them, and noticing differences, from a very young age – earlier than many people realise children are aware of physical differences between people.
Studies have shown babies show a preference for faces from their own racial group over others,[1, 2] and as they grow this can develop into a preference for people, and things, they are familiar with.[3]
As they start to ask more questions about the world, children continue to notice the characteristics of the people around them and from these experiences might begin to form their own understandings of groups of people.[4]
You might find they focus on aspects of people’s appearance, as this is a very visible and immediate difference.
When they start to ask questions to help them organise what they’re learning, they might choose to ask about what they see at a time which feels awkward or impolite to the adults around them.
The most important thing to remember here is that your child does not mean to be rude, and that their comment or question is a sign they are looking for information about what they’ve noticed.
You can help them to both get the information they need, and help them understand social rules, by responding calmly and focusing on the facts, providing appropriate information for their understanding.
Hair texture and colour is something that children often comment on, again usually because it is something they can see very clearly and might notice particularly if it is different to the hair types they see most often.
As adults we know this can be inappropriate or upsetting for someone, especially if you feel it sounds like a judgement. This can make responding to your child feel difficult, especially if the temptation is to keep them quiet and hurry them away.
This might well result in them repeating the question, thinking you haven't heard, until they find out the information they want.
We recommend trying to answer in the clearest, most factual, way possible in the moment.
This might look like explaining some of the scientific reasons for the thing your child has noticed.
In the case of hair, they might point out someone’s afro hair, or very dark straight hair, or bright red hair – particularly if it is different to the hair of people they know best.
In this case knowing why hair can be different shapes and textures will allow you to answer simply and in a way which shares information, not opinions.
Each hair on our head grows from a tiny opening called a hair follicle, they come in different shapes and the shape of yours is something you’re born with – it’s determined by your genes, although this may be too much detail for your child just now.
When it comes to hair texture, people with very round follicles tend to have straight hair, while people with oval follicles tend to have very curly, more textured hair because the hair must bend as it grows out of the oval shaped hole. Some people have a mixture of both round and oval genes in their DNA resulting in slightly ‘in between’ wiggly shaped follicles – this results in wavy hair textures.
Hair colour is determined by two types of melanin, controlled by your genes again. There is ‘eumelanin’ which creates dark black or brown coloured hair, and ‘pheomelanin’ which creates orange, or red, hair. Everyone’s hair comes from one of these two types of melanin, or a mixture of the two – even people with fair or blond hair.
You can use your own words to explain this link between our bodies and the way we look, this takes the focus off any potential judgement around one way of looking being better or more valued.
If your child asks about other aspects of people’s appearance, try to use the same approach explaining facts, or letting them know you will find out the details together if it is something you don’t know for sure.
When you’re home, or somewhere calm and quiet, you can also explain why people might not like having things pointed out by someone they don’t know, and suggest ways your child can get your attention quietly to ask in private next time they are curious like that.
References:
[1] Fassbender, I., & Lohaus, A. (2019). ‘Fixations and fixation shifts in own-race and other-race face pairs at three, six and nine months’. Infant Behavior & Development, 57, Article 101328.
[2] Kelly, D.J., Quinn, P.C., Slater, A.M., Lee, K. Gibson, A., Smith, M., Liezhong, G. & Pascalis, O. (2005). Three-month-olds, but not newborns, prefer own-race faces. Developmental Science, 8(6), F31-F36.
[3] Gardner-Neblett, N., Addie, A., Eddie, A.L., Chapman, S.K., Duke, N.K., & Vallotton, C.D. (2022). ‘Bias starts early. Let’s start now: Developing an anti-racist, anti-bias book collection for infants and toddlers’. The Reading Teacher, 76(4), 505-510.
[4] Winkler, E.N. (2009). Children are not colorblind: How young children learn race. PACE, 3(3)