Shyness – it's part of all of us

If you remember moments of shyness as a child, it might be important to you that your child is confident in a wide range of situations, and you might worry if they seem to hesitate when somewhere new. Some researchers suggest shyness can be linked to temperament, which means some people might be more likely to be shy than others – but this doesn’t mean this is never going to change and how you respond when your child feels shy can help them thrive.^[1] 

Feeling shy is natural and it happens to us all – even famous performers and celebrities have moments when they feel shy. 

If your child exhibits some hesitancy in certain scenarios, it may be a sign that they are still figuring out how they feel. Your child is demonstrating an increase in social awareness and a desire for a bit more time to regulate their emotions. Allowing them to hold back can be helpful because it supports the development of their needs.  

Different types of shyness 

Although not all children are as shy as others, it's crucial for us all to acknowledge our children's social awareness and abilities.  

According to research, there are various forms of shyness.^[2] Children may exhibit positive shyness by smiling and interacting with others in social settings, but they lack the self-assurance to maintain eye contact. Other forms of shyness might cause children to totally avoid social situations.^[3] 

Shyness originates in the brain 

A recent study shows the brain is where shyness originates.^[4] Children who try and avoid social situations have higher right frontal brain activity at rest, and left frontal brain activity at rest is higher in children who want to avoid eye contact. 

How to support your child’s feelings 

When your child feels shy, you can support them by recognising and accepting that feeling. Share with them occasions in your life where you faced shyness and how you overcame it. Being honest about your own shyness may help your child feel better and perhaps feel less anxious. 

Why it’s best to avoid labelling your child as shy 

Be careful not to label your child as ‘shy’, or let others talk in front of them about them being shy. Children frequently conform to the labels that other people place on them. Recent studies show that children who display levels of social shyness are talked about as being socially nervous and less able by their parents.^[3] 

Understanding will support their self-awareness 

We know it is difficult and you might feel it’s better to tell people your child is shy. However, being supportive, empathic and understanding by letting your child know it is ok to feel shy will better support their growth in self-awareness.  

When you support your child by encouraging them to talk about the reasons for their shyness it can help you to address their needs and work with them to establish goals. 

References: 

[1] LoBue, V. (2019). What makes children shy? Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-baby-scientist/201910/what-makes-children-shy 

[2] K. L. Poole, L. A. Schmidt. (2018). Smiling Through the Shyness: The Adaptive Function of Positive Affect in Shy Children. Emotion. 19. 10.1037/emo0000426. 

[3] L. A. Schmidt, K. L. Poole. (2021). Positive shyness and frontal EEG alpha/delta ratio in children: A pilot study. Personality and Individual Differences, Volume 170, 2021, 110423, ISSN 0191-8869, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110423. 

[4] K. L. Poole, L. A. Schmidt. (2020). Positive shyness in the brain: Frontal EEG alpha asymmetry and delta-beta correlation. Child Development, 91, e1030–e1045.