But don’t worry – we’re here to de-code, decipher and demystify wherever we can, and give you the information you need to make the decision that’s right for you, your baby and your family.
Starting with a few definitions
Here are some unfamiliar words you might see or hear:
Self-soothing
This is often used to mean babies getting back to sleep without adult support, but self-soothing can mean to calm without help from another person and is sometimes used when talking about things adults do for themselves.
For instance, going for walk after a particularly hard day might be your way of self-soothing.
Self-regulation
Self-regulation is often used to mean the same as self-soothing, although in some ways the definition of self-regulation is a bit broader.
It is described by psychologists as:
‘...the control of one’s behaviour through the use of self-monitoring (keeping a record of behaviour), self-evaluation (assessing the information obtained during self-monitoring), and self-reinforcement (rewarding oneself for appropriate behaviour or for attaining a goal).’[1]
So, self-regulation involves being able to recognise your thoughts and feelings, think about them and then adjust your responses. This takes time to develop and is something that everyone can find hard at times.
Your baby will gradually learn to recognise when they need to be alert or calm and adjust their responses accordingly – but for now they need some help with this!
Co-regulation
Co-regulation is when we are helped to regulate; this is what you do for your baby when you hold them, pat them or talk gently to them.
Your baby will gradually learn to regulate their emotions and responses by experiencing co-regulation.
This is a term you might hear a lot as your baby becomes a toddler and they find coping with how they feel difficult at times.
Does this mean my baby can settle themselves?
The short answer is maybe, sometimes – but not all the time.
Your baby will be able to wait for you to respond to them for a short time, and you will probably know when they need you straight away and when they are ok to wait for a few minutes.
The ability to calm and settle is partly developmental and partly linked to temperament. Some babies will settle more easily than others – not because of anything that has happened but simply due to who they are.
What can I do to help?
Research suggests that babies who are used to warm, supportive interactions, cry less as they develop – so the idea that your baby will learn to settle by being left to cry isn’t supported by research.[2]
This doesn’t mean you have to run to your baby the moment they seem a little unhappy, or that if they occasionally need to wait for a little bit they will struggle to regulate their emotions.
But generally, if you can comfort your baby when they are upset or frustrated, that will help them to develop the ability to regulate their emotions themselves as they grow and develop.
References:
[1] American Psychology Association (undated) Dictionary of Psychology. Available at https://dictionary.apa.org/self-regulation [Accessed on 31st August 2022].
[2] Samdan, G., Kiel, N., Petermann, F., Rothenfußer, S., Zierul, C., & Reinelt, T. (2020).
The relationship between parental behavior and infant regulation: A systematic review,
Developmental Review, 57.