Not just a ‘well done!’ – positive parenting is more than praise
Researchers have found that positive parenting practices support young children to develop self-regulation and social skills – but what are exactly are they?
You might have read articles, or heard people talking, about self-regulation (noticing and regulating our emotions, thoughts and responses). This is often something that comes up in relation to emotions. But developing self-regulation is also linked to cognitive and behaviour skills.
Research shows that positive parenting supports social development and self-regulation (and lots of other things too!)[1.2]
Your toddler relies on you and others around them to guide them in what it is ok for them to do, and what isn’t. As they develop, they will begin to be able to regulate their behaviour themselves as they understand what is (and isn’t) ok in a variety of situations.
But positive parenting isn’t just what you do when your toddler is doing something you would like them not to, or when you feel they are ‘challenging’... it’s everything you do. That isn’t as scary as it sounds!
What do positive parents do?
Have fun with their children
This does not mean playing with your toddler constantly, but doing things that you enjoy together – maybe a pretend tea party, gardening, looking at a book or going for a walk.
It might be different things on different days – but really comes down to making sure you have time to enjoy being together, however busy life gets!
Support their children – responsiveness, sensitivity and affection
This links very closely with having fun together but is also about noticing how your toddler is feeling, recognising when they need your help or when they want to keep trying on their own.
It is the things you do every day that show them you love them: hugs, enjoying time together, helping them have a wash and all the things you do to keep them healthy and safe.
It is understanding that sometimes they will be upset, angry or disappointed when you explain they can’t do something they would like to do, and trying to see things from their point of view. And even when they are upset, angry or disappointed, responding with warmth.
Guide their children
Rather than controlling their children’s behaviour, positive parents support children’s autonomy, by recognising that children have their own ideas and point of view and by giving reasons for a request.
For your toddler, these reasons are likely to be quite short, so they understand, but as they grow so will these explanations.[3] At this point, it might simply be saying, “I know you feel sad, but you need to go to bed now, or you will be too tired for nursery.”
And even if your toddler isn’t calm, positive parenting involves being calm, clear and consistent – which sounds easy when you read it but can be hard in real life!
You might find a behaviour triggers an emotional response in you, or simply that sometimes you just feel tired yourself and regulating your own emotions and responses is more difficult.
If you need to, take a moment to calm yourself before you respond to your toddler.
It’s always worth remembering that looking after your own mental health and wellbeing is an essential part of being there to provide your toddler with the parent they need – so seek support if you need to.
References:
[1] Okorn, A., Verhoeven, M., & Van Baar, A. (2022) The Importance of Mothers’ and Fathers’ Positive Parenting for Toddlers’ and Preschoolers’ Social-Emotional Adjustment, Parenting, 22:2, 128-151, DOI: 10.1080/15295192.2021.1908090.
[2] Song, J-H., Miller, A.L., Leung, C.L.L., Lumeng, J.C., Rosenblum, K.L. (2018). Positive parenting moderates the association between temperament and self-regulation in low income toddlers. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 27, 2354-2364.
[3] Andreadakis, E., Laurin, J.C., Joussemet, M. et al. (2020). Toddler Temperament, Parent Stress, and Autonomy Support. J Child Fam Stud 29, 3029–3043. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10826-020-01793-3