It’s mine! How understanding ownership might help your toddler to share (one day...)

Have you found yourself saying, “You have to share” to your toddler yet? If not, it might happen soon. Sharing is really complicated and involves some difficult skills, which your toddler probably hasn’t mastered yet. One of those skills is understanding ownership – so the “It’s mine,” phase of development might just be a step towards sharing.  

Why does sharing matter to us?  

When we talk to parents about what they want for their child, their answers are often quite similar: to be happy, have friends and to be kind.  

Maybe that’s why if we think our toddler is being mean or is upsetting other children it can be hard for us.   

And maybe there’s a reason these things matter to us; humans are a social species – we live in groups and depend on others for support – not only as children, but throughout our lives.  

Treating each other with kindness and empathy helps us to build and strengthen relationships and is the basis of shared understanding of right and wrong.  

Researchers talk about the prosocial imperative – that we all do things that might involve some sacrifice on our part for the benefit of an individual or group of people. And not only do we do this because it’s the right thing to do, but also because we find it satisfying.^[1] 

Back to your toddler – linking ownership and sharing 

Sharing could be seen as handing over ownership, either temporarily (when giving someone a turn with a toy) or permanently (when sharing food or drink).  

So, until your toddler understands ownership, they can’t truly share.  

From our adult perspective the use of the word, “mine” might feel a bit negative. But interestingly researchers found that toddlers who frequently said, “My,” and “Mine,” were more likely to share (and also more likely to fight over toys!).^[2] 

When researchers investigated toddlers’ sharing, they found having a greater understanding of ownership was associated with more frequent and faster sharing.^[1] 

What does all this mean for you and your toddler?  

We aren’t suggesting that you start emphasising ownership at every opportunity but, that maybe seeing your toddler’s tendency to say, “Mine,” frequently and forcibly as a step towards sharing might help this phase feel more positive.  

Your toddler needs to develop lots of skills before they can share without your help.  

For now, you can help them by demonstrating kindness and turn-taking and treating them with understanding and empathy. And really try not to say, “You’ve got to share!”  

References: 

[1] Brownell, C.A., Iesue, S.S., Nichols, S.R, & Svetlova, M. (2013). Mine or yours? Development of sharing in toddlers in relation to ownership understanding. Child Development, 84(3), 906-920.  

[2] Hay, D.F. (2006). Yours and mine: Toddlers’ talk about possessions with familiar peers. British Journal of Developmental Psychology, 24, 39-52.