Anger and sadness – when it all gets too much

Your toddler is getting more independent, which can lead to frustration – so what can you do to help them (and yourself) when emotions start to run high?  

When your toddler is frustrated or disappointed, they might shout, scream, kick or hit – they seem angry at first before tears start, as they’re overwhelmed by sadness.[1] Some researchers even think that this sadness turns into panic, as toddlers don’t know how to calm themselves.[2] 

How can you help? 

There are some things that might help to reduce the number of times your toddler gets overwhelmed, but there are times there is just nothing you, or they, can do to stop these big emotions. Here are some things that might help (sometimes). 

Being tired, hungry or in a busy place can be a bit much for us all sometimes (think hangry) 

You might be able to predict when your toddler can’t cope with disappointment or frustration and get in first with a suggestion of a quiet moment, a dance or a story – whatever works for you and your toddler. 

Offer a choice or a distraction 

Giving them a choice can offer the independence they want, within options you’re happy with. If you see your toddler getting a bit frustrated, sometimes (but not always) distracting them can help. 

Warn your toddler when an activity will need to end soon 

Letting your toddler know that they will need to stop soon can help them be ready to stop (again: not always!). 

Have a fairly predictable routine 

Knowing what’s going to happen next helps us all feel safe and secure, so if you can have a fairly reliable routine this could reduce tears.  

Keep calm – and offer reassurance 

This can be hard – especially if your toddler is screaming in the middle of the supermarket. You will feel a mixture of emotions yourself. Take a deep breath and stay calm and close, as your reassuring presence will help them to regulate their emotions.  

Talk (or not)  

Sometimes commenting on how your toddler’s feeling can help – other times they might just need quiet. You know them, so do what’s right for at that moment.  

When calm returns 

Don’t punish your toddler 

Your toddler couldn’t control their response – a punishment or consequence won’t stop this happening again. 

Talk about what could happen next time 

If your toddler can understand, have a chat about what you could do next time.  

Look after yourself 

Keeping calm when your toddler isn’t calm is hard – don’t forget to give yourself a bit of TLC! 

References: 

[1] Potegla, M. & Davidson, R.J. (2003).  Temper tantrums in young children: 1. Behavioral composition. Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 24, (3) 140-147.  

[2] Potegal, M., Kosorok, M.R. & Davidson, R.J. (2003) Temper tantrums in young children: 2. Tantrum duration and temporal organization. Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrics, 24 (3) 148-154.  

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