Tips for understanding the development behind behaviour

Your toddler is learning a lot about themselves, the people around them and the world in which they live. They’re learning about how people behave in different situations; how to get along with other people; how to regulate their emotions and how to make decisions about what they’re going to do.  

Sometimes we might feel we need to manage our toddler’s behaviour through disciplining them using punishment, but for toddlers to learn about behaviour it is much more important to think about teaching, not telling off. 

All the learning your toddler is doing about people, and how they interact or behave, takes a long time.  

Some aspects of being able to control their responses link to how their brains are developing – development that continues all the way into adulthood (which explains your confused and emotional teenaged years!).  

As your toddler begins to learn about the choices that they can make they might try different things when interacting with people.  

Sometimes this can work out well, and at other times it might mean they challenge others or act in a way that’s not appropriate for the moment. This curiosity and life experience is great in terms of their development but can feel difficult for their parents to handle at times.  

If you’re dealing with difficult or unexpected behaviour, here are some things that might help you keep your cool and make it through to the other side of the moment... 

Focus on the progress. Think about what your toddler’s behaviour shows about their development.  

Your toddler starting to realise that they can make choices shows that they are beginning to think about themselves and their ideas. This is an exciting new perspective for them.  

It also means that they can see different possibilities, so they might have the blue cup but can imagine themselves having the green one and feel anxious or excited about being able to make that choice.  

Be curious. Think about what your toddler might be communicating through their behaviour. 

Sometimes you might realise that they are doing something because they’re tired, worried or frustrated. They might not have an understanding of their emotions or the language to tell you how they feel, and be trying to express it through what they do or how they react instead.  

Try to remember that their behaviour might not always have a logical link to their emotions either – sometimes a very tired toddler becomes extra bouncy because they are having trouble regulating their reactions.  

Don’t give the behaviour too much power. Think about this aspect of your toddler’s learning as just that: learning.  

Your toddler is a student of life so they will sometimes make mistakes, as we all do when we learn things.  

Young children’s brains are busy developing, and one of the aspects of development that takes a lot of time and experience is the ability to control our actions. 

Give yourself time to calm and take a minute to think, and know that your feelings will impact the situation too.  

You might realise that things have been more difficult because of how you were responding, so be aware of how you’re feeling and give yourself time to calm (even if it is just a quick moment to breathe before you react).  

Remember to give yourself space and grace when things are hard, too. Your toddler may be learning about the world, but you’re also constantly learning about your toddler, so don’t punish yourself for mistakes – try to learn from them.