Worrying your child doesn’t understand how others feel? Tips to encourage empathy

Your child might be getting better and better at understanding their own feelings – but realising that other people think and feel different things is hard (and really important). Most of us want our children to be kind to others and to grow up aware of their own emotions and able to empathise with other people’s – after all, this is an important part of making and strengthening relationships. How then can you help your child see things from someone else’s point of view?  

It is amazing how often the thing that will best support our child’s development is really simple – and understanding how people feel is one of those things! All you need to do is use words that talk about thinking and feeling when you’re chatting with your child.  

Studies have shown that when parents use words that refer to thinking and feeling when they talk to their child, it helps their child’s ‘theory of mind’ develop.^[1] Theory of mind is the understanding that people don’t share the same thoughts and feelings as you. 

By making the most of opportunities to put your own and your child’s perspective into words you are fostering this skill.  

Every time you imagine what your child is wanting, thinking or feeling, and say something about it, like, “Oh, you want to stay in the park longer”, you are helping them to understand their thoughts and feelings. 

At times, you can highlight that you have a different perspective to your child by saying, “You want to stay in the park longer, but I want to go home because I’m cold.” 

These types of conversations will deepen your child’s understanding of their own thoughts and feelings, how others may have different thoughts and feelings from their own, and how we all act based on what we are thinking and feeling. 

Talking about what characters are thinking and how they might be feeling when you share a story is another simple way to build these skills.  

Research shows that it is also important to connect these ideas to the child’s own experiences.^[2] For example, if you are talking about a character that is afraid of the dark, you could connect that to a time when your child was afraid because of something. 

While they seem like really simple things, these interactions and experiences help lay the foundations for your child’s capacity to develop friendships and more intimate relationships. 

References: 

[1] Lowry, L. (undated). “Tuning in” to others: how young children develop theory of mind. The Hanen Centre. Available at: Tuning in to Others: How Young Children Develop Theory of Mind (hanen.org). 

 [2] de Villiers, J. G. & de Villiers, P. A. (2014). The role of language in theory of mind development. Topics in Language Disorders, 34(4), 313-328.