Build your toddler’s self-esteem every day

We know parents have an important role to play in building children’s self-esteem – and your toddler is amazing (of course!), but is it possible to praise them too much and if it is, what can you do instead?  

Psychologists Eddie Brummelman and Constantine Sedikides have looked at how we develop our sense of who we are, and what parents can do that raises self-esteem (without encouraging narcissism).  

They suggest that children with high self-esteem: 

View themselves positively, but realistically – they know what they can do and can think about how they did.  

Try to get better at things – their focus is not on being better than other people, but on improving how they do themselves.  

Are resilient – making a mistake or getting negative feedback doesn’t change their positive view of themselves.  

It’s important to remember your toddler hasn’t developed the cognitive and emotional skills to do these things yet – but you can nurture these attitudes through your responses to them. 

They also suggest three things parents can do to help children build these skills and attitudes:^[1]  

‘Realistic feedback (rather than inflated praise)’^[1] 

This doesn’t mean never praising your toddler, but rather being authentic when you praise them. If you are really excited and proud about something they’ve done – tell them, but also make your comments specific and encourage them to keep improving.  

If you’ve come across ideas about growth mindset this is probably similar – you are encouraging your toddler to begin to make their own judgements about how they’ve done, and to know that they won’t do things perfectly every time.  

An example might be that they got part way up a climbing frame but couldn’t get to the top. You might say something like, “Well done, you really thought about where to put your hands when you were climbing. I wonder what you could do when you have another go?”  

 ‘A focus on growth (rather than on outperforming others)’^[1]  

This means supporting your toddler to think about the progress they are making, not what other children are doing. Instead of saying, “Look, Seren climbed right to the top,” you might say, “Last time you got to the second bar, this time you got to the fourth one!”  

Thinking about how you encourage your toddler in this way might also help you to resist the pressure to compare them to other children.  

‘Unconditional regard (rather than regard that is conditional)’^[1] 

This simply means your toddler doesn’t feel that the way you view them is linked to their latest achievement.  

They see that you value them for who they really are. This seems simple – but is worth thinking about.  

If your toddler masters the climbing frame you might be excited, perhaps take a photo or tell your friends and family. If it is only the achievements that are celebrated, your toddler might begin to believe that how people view them is connected to their successes.  

Think about how you respond warmly to your toddler and notice their effort, whatever the outcome – and even when they have done something you would rather they didn’t.   

References: 

[1] Brummelman, E. and Sedikides, C. (2020). ‘Raising children with high self esteem (but not narcissism)’. Child Development Perspectives, 14(2), 83-89.