Balancing your toddler’s needs and your own – our tips for when you need some quiet time

Today’s generation of parents are more aware of the importance of good mental health and wellbeing than any other. You know that your toddler needs your calm presence when they’re overwhelmed – and you probably won’t be using the naughty step anytime soon! Does this mean you can’t let them know when you need some space? We’re here to tell you why it’s ok to tell your toddler you are having some time doing something else – and how to do it in a gentle and reassuring way. 

Your toddler learns a lot about the world, not from what you say but from what you do. They will watch you and copy your actions, whether that is pretending to make a meal, take a selfie or message a friend. They will also notice how you look after your wellbeing and respond to your emotions and copy that too.  

This means as well as being important for you to look after your mental health and wellbeing – it is important for your toddler – because they will learn from you.  

How then do you respond when your toddler is convinced they need to go to the bathroom with you, or that they need to come with you when you’re going out with friends?   

First, remember it is ok for your toddler to be upset, angry or frustrated but it is also ok for you to say - “I know you’re upset, but Oma is here and will take care of you.” 

If you’re leaving your toddler with someone else always say goodbye. Don’t be tempted to sneak out – as this can make them anxious that you might leave without telling them; saying goodbye and acknowledging their feelings shows them they can trust you.  

You know you are leaving your toddler with someone you trust and that they will be ok.  

If you just need five minutes on your own, again remind yourself that it is ok to let your toddler know that – and better to do it when you feel calm than when it really is getting too much.  

When you need a break, acknowledge how your toddler is feeling, maintain the boundary you’ve set and keep your connection with them.  

This might be by saying something like, “You feel sad because I’m going upstairs, I’ll be back soon then we can read a story.” 

Naming your toddler’s emotions, keeping the boundary and offering reassurance about your connection will help your toddler manage separations.  

As always, be curious about your toddler’s behaviour: if they have been quite happy to play by themselves, then want to be close to you every moment, ask yourself if anything has changed.  

Perhaps you’ve had a busy few weeks and haven’t had as much time playing together as usual, or there has been a change in your childcare arrangements and your toddler is seeking some extra reassurance.  

While our tips will help in the moment, if this is a change in behaviour for your toddler it might also help to think about regularly setting aside some time to spend together doing something your toddler enjoys.