Your child has been developing their sense of self for some time, they will have recognised their reflection in a mirror and have been using their name to talk about themselves. This recognition of themselves paves the way for greater self-awareness including experiencing emotions such as pride, embarrassment and guilt.
Initially your child’s self- recognition will have led to what are described as ‘self-conscious-exposed' emotions [1], these are emotions such as embarrassment and envy. Following these emotions, ‘self-conscious evaluative’ emotions develop, these emotions develop as children become more aware of rules or accepted ways of behaving in the groups around them. These emotions require the cognitive skills to think about their actions in relation to what might be expected.[1]
Your child is developing their sense of self, and part of how they do this is through noticing and thinking about how other people view them. Your child will learn about this through the way in which the people around them respond to them and what people say to, and about them.
As your child develops, they will also begin to understand themselves in relation to other people, perhaps taking on different roles in their pretend play to understand more about others. Your child’s sense of themselves and understanding of others will support them to develop empathy in the future.
The difference between self-conscious-exposed emotions and –self-conscious evaluative emotions can be shown by thinking about embarrassment. Embarrassment as a self-conscious-exposed emotion develops earlier and can be seen when your child is aware of other people’s attention. They might look away if they feel too much attention is focused on them, the embarrassment in this situation simply comes from a feeling of being exposed.[1]
However, embarrassment can also be a self-conscious-evaluative emotion, this might result from a situation in which your child feels others might think they have done something wrong or have failed in some way. This type of embarrassment is linked to shame but is a less intense emotion, so when embarrassed in this way your child might smile or turn away. However, when they feel shame, they will show a greater level of distress or try to hide.[1]
It is suggested that as children develop some feelings of guilt can help them to adapt their behaviour to what is expected in a particular situation, whereas feelings of shame can result in a view of themselves as being ‘bad.’ In older children and adolescents, feelings of shame can lead to a tendency to avoid interactions out of fear of doing the wrong thing[2]. Furthermore, feelings of shame, or of guilt that is not used to repair a situation, are thought to be linked with anxiety.[2]
Self-conscious emotions are an important part of understanding ourselves and those around us, they help us to think about the things that we do and what we should not do. However, intense feelings of shame or guilt can impact negatively on how we view ourselves. This impact on your child’s sense of self is an important part of thinking about how you support your child to learn about expectations in terms of behaviour.
It is important to think about how the messages you give your child when you respond to the things that they do might influence how they evaluate themselves. This might be how you encourage them to keep trying by commenting on their hard work or persistence rather than commenting on an outcome. Or how you ensure they understand that although they did something wrong, they are not a bad person, they are learning.
You might support your child as they develop to recognise themselves when they are proud of what they have done so that they learn they can make their own judgements about their achievements. Making their own judgements in this way can help them to be motivated and to keep trying even when something is difficult.
Your child will continue to develop their sense of self, this develops and changes throughout our lives and particularly during times of significant change such as adolescence. As their cognitive skills and social understanding develops, they will become more able to evaluate their actions in different situations. As their ability to regulate and inhibit their actions develops, they might be able to stop themselves from acting in a particular way more often.
[1] Lewis, M. (2019). The self-conscious emotions and the role of shame in psychopathology. In LoBue, V. (Eds.) Handbook of Emotional Development. London: Springer.
[2] Sette, S., Baldwin, D., Zava, F. Baumgartner, E. & Coplan, R.J. (2019). Shame on me? Shyness, social experiences at preschool, and young children’s self-conscious emotions. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 47, 229-238.