Your toddler will have been using ‘social referencing’ for some time now, this means that they look towards you and other people in new situations to see how you feel about a situation and this helps them to decide how to respond.[1] They are secure in their attachment to those who look after them regularly and will use these people as a secure base when in unfamiliar situations.
As your child grows up you might be eager for them to be independent and confident in a variety of situations. Sometimes it might feel strange that the most effective way to do this is to allow them to be dependent on you and to use you or other familiar adults for support and reassurance. Understanding why dependence leads to independence involves thinking about attachment theory.
Babies are completely dependent on the adults around them to meet their basic needs and your toddler will have learnt from your responses when they were a baby that others recognise and respond to their needs. They will have been exposed to manageable stress through times when you have not been immediately available, and these separations and your return will have supported them to develop their trust in you and their relationship with you and others who care for them.[2]
Attachment and relationships have an important role in stress regulation. When you think about feeling stressed yourself, you probably know that while stress can help you to focus, if you feel stressed for a long time it can begin to impact on your ability to concentrate. Stress is defined as a response to a perceived or real threat[2].
For your toddler in a new situation, they might be unsure if this is going to be a positive or negative experience, and this might trigger a stress response. They will release various neurochemicals which will make them more alert and vigilant and encourage them to seek support. Oxytocin which you might have heard of in relation to bonding is released when we are stressed, to encourage us to seek support.[4] When you notice and respond to your toddler’s need for reassurance this helps to regulate the stress response and, will over time, help them to become more independent in unfamiliar situations.
Your child will become more confident in new situations as they have more experiences and with your support in responding to their uncertainty. They will continue to look to you and the other adults who care for them regularly when in new situations or if they feel unsure for another reason.
[1] Moller, E.L., Majdandzic, M., Vriends, N, & Bogels, S.M. (2014). Social referencing and child anxiety: The evolutionary based role of fathers’ versus mothers’ signals. Journal of Child and Family Studies. 23, 1268-1277.
[2] Rees, C. (2020). Children’s attachments. Paediatrics and Child Health, 30(5), 162-168.
[3] Herman, J.P. (2013). Neural control of chronic stress adaptation. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 7, Article 61. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2013.00061
[4] Kelly McGonigal (2013) How to Make Stress Your Friend (Links to an external site.), TEDGobal 2013, June 2013