Your child has needed your help to calm down when upset, and you and they might know what helps them to calm if they are upset. You might notice your child is sometimes able to soothe themselves when they are upset and might be starting to recognise what helps them to calm down. Self-soothing or self-regulating is a difficult skill and even as adults we sometimes need support from others to regulate. Although your child might be able to self-soothe sometimes, they might often still need your support.
Emotional regulation is often associated with regulating negative emotions, such as calming when angry or soothing when sad. However, emotional regulation is also used to regulate positive emotions such as excitement or happiness, it is a process that occurs both with and without conscious effort. [1]
We often think about emotional regulation as how we inhibit emotions, but it is also used to enhance emotions such as happiness. As your child develops their understanding of themselves, they will develop the skills needed to regulate their emotions. Emotional regulation is an important aspect of your child’s development and has been linked to wellbeing, social competence, the ability to make friends and to academic success.[2]
Your child will have been supported to regulate by you and the other adults around them. When they were a baby, your child will have relied on others to support them to regulate. You will have noticed and responded to their cries, facial expressions and behaviour and by doing this will have supported them to develop their ability to self-regulate.[2]
You and your child are probably aware of the strategies that soothe them, and some research suggests that children are likely to use similar strategies to those they develop as babies. Your child might come to you or seek your attention to help them soothe; they might distract themselves from the cause of distress, perhaps by playing with a different toy, moving or even by singing; they might suck their thumb, rock, or hold a favourite toy or special blanket.
It is often thought that the development of emotional regulation involves a transition from coregulation to self-regulation, so from needing support to regulate to regulating independently. However, some researchers suggest that children do not move from coregulation to self-regulation but develop the skills they need to use a combination of self-regulation and seeking support to regulate.[2]
You might notice that your child is beginning to know when your support might help them to regulate and when they can soothe themselves. You can support this development by responding to them and offering support when needed.
Your child will continue to develop their awareness of their emotions and will recognise and name a wider range of emotions. They will recognise how they are feeling and will be more able to identify when to seek support to regulate and when they can regulate their emotions themselves. They will begin to recognise other people’s emotions and might offer comfort in a way that they themselves find soothing.
[1] Schoppmann, J., Schneider, S. & Seehagen, S. (2019). Wait and see: Observational learning of distraction as an emotion regulation strategy in 22-month-old toddlers. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology, 47. 851-863.
[2] Atkinson, N.H., Jena, A.D.L. & Stack, D.M. (2021). Emotion regulation from infancy to toddlerhood: Individual and group trajectories of full-term and bey-low-birthweight preterm infants. Infancy, 26. 570-595.