It might help to think about what your child really means; it takes us a long time to develop the skills needed to recognise our emotions and to talk to other people about them. When you tell your child to do something they would prefer not to do and they respond with, “Well, I’m not your best friend,” think about what they really mean. They are saying, “I don’t like having to brush my teeth,” or “I wanted to finish playing and I am upset that you said I have to stop.”
Sometimes simply thinking, “What do you really mean?” helps you to remain calm in the moment, which can, in turn, help your child to regulate. This can be really hard, especially at the end of a long day when you are looking forward to sitting down with a cup of tea and your favourite programme, or have a list of jobs in your mind that you are going to do once they are in bed.
Emotion coaching can be a helpful approach to supporting your child as they develop the skills they need to self-regulate. These skills continue to develop into adulthood, so we know young children find self-regulation difficult and need calm adults to support them to regulate.
Notice how your child is feeling. This might not necessarily be what they are saying, as they are still learning to recognise, understand and explain their emotions.
If your child is upset, angry or disappointed, recognise the expression of their emotion as showing they need support and connection. Thinking of your child’s expression of emotion in this way can help you to regulate your emotions, which helps you to be calm to support your child.
This is the case even when your child seems to be saying they don’t want your support, so when saying, “You’re not my best friend.”
When our children are upset or angry, it can feel that we should take these feelings away and provide a solution to the situation. However, validating your child’s emotions shows them they do not have to hide how they are feeling and is important for their future wellbeing and mental health. For example, you might say, “I understand. I feel frustrated too when things don’t go my way.”
Be curious about your child’s response. Perhaps they don’t like the new toothpaste, or maybe they just didn’t want to finish playing.
Naming emotions can help your child to feel their emotions are valid. Naming emotions also helps your child to learn the vocabulary they need to talk about their emotions, which might support them to express how they are feeling in different ways.
“You are upset/angry/ disappointed that is time to brush your teeth.”
When you are supporting your child with their emotions, you will clearly communicate that it is ok to feel how they feel. However, you will still set limits on their behaviour to keep them safe, for example, “We need to brush your teeth to keep them healthy.”
When your child is calm, help them to think about what needs to happen next. What happened to make them upset or angry and what needs to happen now? Your child might need some support to think about this, perhaps with some simple questions and time to think and answer. Remember when they are feeling upset, frustrated or angry, they might not be able to think about this, at that point they might just need your calm reassuring presence.
With routines such as toothbrushing or having a wash, you could agree how you will do the routine. Perhaps have a toothbrushing song or a timer to help your child see how long they need to brush their teeth. Have a story after toothbrushing so your child knows that toothbrushing is followed by a cuddle and a story. Involve them in deciding how you will organise this part of the day.
Remember, even with your carefully planned routine, your child might have days when they feel tired and find it more difficult to regulate their emotions. When they say things like, “I’m not your friend,” this is a reflection of their frustration, and they are telling you they don’t like that they have to brush their teeth.
Think about your own tiredness too. It is difficult for you to regulate when you are tired or thinking about the other things you need to do after your child is in bed. So, take time to calm yourself so you can share your calm with your child.
Remember that everyone has hard days, but by sticking with these tips you will navigate them together, and will continue to deepen the special bond between you.
If you have any questions you would like us to answer, you can put them in the Facebook community or email us at hi5@mffy.com.