According to figures published in May 2023, in the United Kingdom 56% of families had two or more children.[1] Which means most children will have at least one sibling, and if you’re wondering what you need to do to help your children get along with each other you aren’t alone.
Lots of research has been published about sibling relationships, this often focuses on older children, teenagers or adults with few studies looking at younger children.[2]
In research published at the beginning of July 2023, researchers focused on children aged five or less with a baby or toddler sibling.[2]
They wanted to find out more about how siblings relationships develop in the early years.
What did the researchers do?
The researchers recruited 85 families and asked one parent in these families to complete two questionnaires (most of the questionnaires were completed by mothers).
One was the Sibling Inventory of Behavior, which considers behaviour on six scales including – empathy/concern, conflict/aggression and rivalry.
The other questionnaire measured emotional regulation (which is the ability to recognise and control our emotions) and was completed for the older child.
What did the researchers find?
Sibling relationships are a mixture of positive, friendship-based behaviours, such as showing concern, and negative ones like rivalry.
Which probably confirms what you already know – siblings get on sometimes and other times don’t. This is what researchers describe as ambivalent relations.
They noticed that when the older sibling was more able to regulate their emotions, the children had a more positive relationship with each other.
In sibling relationships where the age gap was small, this association was not apparent. Perhaps because the children are more likely to need similar things from their parents, which emotional regulation skills can't offset.
A finding that surprised researchers was that if the older sibling was closer to age five their emotional regulation reduced when a new baby joined the family, which impacted friendship with siblings.
This might be because these slightly older children are more aware of the changes having a sibling brings to their lives. And their emotional regulation skills are still improving, so with a big change they need help to regulate and adjust (as we all do sometimes!).
As with all research, this study tells us about average findings from a group.
It doesn’t tell you if there is a particular age gap which would be ideal, or that if your older child has specific skills your children will get along more often than not.
It’s a reminder that older children might need some emotional support as they adjust to having a sibling. And that helping your children develop empathy and awareness of their emotions will help them to form positive relationships with each other.
What does all this mean for me and my children?
The first thing is that relationships between siblings are always likely to be up and down.
The question, “How do they get on?” could be added to our list of questions that don’t have a simple answer and just aren’t very helpful.
You can help your children to develop the skills they need to get along by showing them you understand their point of view – and helping them to see their sibling’s.
Spending time playing all together can be a good way to show them how to talk to each other about what they would like to do and might help to give attention to everyone.
Let your oldest go back in time a little. If your older child seems to find it harder to regulate their emotions when a new baby arrives (or perhaps as the baby starts to play a bit more), think about what worked to help them when they were younger and do this again.
It’s fine for them to need more help regulating emotions when there’s been a big change in their lives, and this doesn’t mean they are ‘going backwards’.
Make the most of your app. There are lots of ideas in your social and emotional stream about how you can help your child develop the skills to understand themselves and other people.
You might even decide to add some previously mastered social and emotional skills into your child’s active section to remind you to give them some extra support with their emotions and to get some ideas to help.
Don’t forget to take care of you
Supporting big emotions is hard, and if you find yourself helping with relationships more often it might feel especially difficult.
Make sure you think about the things that help you to feel calm, and make time for those too.
You're helping your children build the foundations for positive relationships and well-being for their whole lives – you can’t do that without a break and getting what you need.
References:
[1] Office for National Statistics (18 May, 2023). Families and households in the UK: 2022. Office for National Statistics. Families and households in the UK - Office for National Statistics (ons.gov.uk)
[2] Orr, E., Kashy-Rosenbaum, G., Weinstock Lederberg, A. (2023). ‘The impact of emotion regulation and individual traits on the nature of the next older sibling’s relationship with their toddler/infant sibling’. Child Care in Practice.