Making your own traditions
As we enter a season with lots of celebrations, you might be starting to feel the pressure to join in with the traditions you see around you. Your social media feeds might be filled with photos of visits to a pumpkin patch or families in fancy dress and you wonder if your child is missing out if they don’t have these experiences.
The Disney Pixar film ‘Inside out’ gave us the idea of core memories, that some memories are particularly important and that we have a set number of these core memories.
You might have seen videos on social media of these ‘core memories’ being made, which can add to the pressure - but interestingly this idea is something you won’t find in scientific literature.
How are memories formed?
When we think about memories, we often imagine them as some sort of filing cabinet that we access and withdraw a clear picture of an event from the past.
But research suggests memory is a bit more complicated than that idea suggests. There are different types of memory and what we remember about an event might change when we recall it.[1]
While your baby won’t remember the pumpkin patch, their early experiences will help to build their brain architecture.[2]
And this is especially true of experiences that involve interactions with the people who are important to them.[2]
This means having backwards and forwards, enjoyable interactions with your child is important – but these don’t need to happen at a pumpkin patch or any other particular place.
The value of traditions
While your baby or young child won’t chat about the detail of their early experiences when they’re adults, research suggests that family traditions (or rituals) help to build bonds and reduce stress.[3]
But this doesn’t mean you need to spend a fortune on expensive dressing-up clothes, or trips.
You can think about the things that bring you and your family joy and build your traditions around those.
Finding your own traditions
It could be that you do visit a pumpkin patch and decorate your home, because you just love doing it – and when your child experiences this excitement with you they will love it too.
But if the thought of a pumpkin patch fills you with dread, or the pressure of producing an amazing pumpkin carving is simply too much – your tradition might be much simpler.
Maybe snuggling up together with a story, a favourite programme or when your child is older and can watch for longer, a film.
And you might find that things you simply do because you want to do them, or they make your life a bit easier, become important traditions for your children.
Making your own traditions – things to think about
How does this make you feel?
Choose things you know you’ll enjoy; your child will notice how everyone feels and the best traditions are the ones that the whole family love.
Who would you like to be part of this tradition?
You might have things you want to do as a family, but also might enjoy involving members of your wider family or friends.
Don’t worry if it doesn’t go to plan
Sometimes, we have an idea about how something will be, then find it doesn’t quite go that way. You might plan a trip to a pumpkin patch, and find your toddler wants to spend the whole trip splashing in a puddle or they just don’t understand why they can’t take ten pumpkins home.
While this might not feel great at the time, it might lead to a unique tradition for your family, your pumpkin patch trip might involve looking for the best puddle not the best pumpkin!
And we never quite know which of the things we do will be the ones our children love and remember when they’re older – so you don’t need to feel lots of pressure around any one event.
Notice if this is difficult for you, and ask for support if you need it
You might have happy memories of family traditions or have some events where this is not the case.
If you find it difficult when some events come round, reach out for support, whether this is speaking to a friend you trust, a professional (for example, your GP), or finding support from a charity – you aren’t alone.
As we move through Autumn and Winter, we’re going to share some ideas for simple and inexpensive activities that might become part of your family traditions – keep checking back in your app for ideas.
If you have any traditions that you know you want to be part of your family’s seasonal calendar, we’d love to hear about them! You can drop us an email at askusanything or share them on our Facebook group.
References:
[1] Lee, J.L.C., Nader, K., & Schiller, D. (2017). An update on memory reconsolidation updating. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21(7), 531-545.
[2] Center on the Developing Child. Harvard University (no date). Brain Architecture. Brain Architecture (harvard.edu)
[3] Fiese, B.H., Tomcho, T.J., Douglas, M., Jospephs, K., Poltrock, S. & Baker, T. (2002). A review of 50 years of research on naturally occurring family routines and rituals: Cause for celebration? Journal of Family Psychology, 16(4), 381-390.