It’s time to put the ‘supermum’ to bed
The feeling that we need to be everything to everyone can be overwhelming as a parent, and research is showing this is particularly true for mothers. The expectation to excel at every area of your life, while also managing much of the mental load and practical tasks at home, makes it almost impossible to feel you're meeting your own expectations. We're seeing more and more research, and support, showing that this idea of being a 'supermum' (or dad) is not only unrealistic but also harmful - so here is why you can give yourself permission to put that expectation to bed once and for all.
A 2022 poll from Bupa[1] has shown how harmful the idea of being a ‘supermum’ is to our mental health. It seems like everywhere we look there’s a social media post, t-shirt or parent talking about the mythical ‘supermum’ who works, parents, cooks, cleans, blogs, looks perfect and does it all with a smile.
In a poll of 1000 mothers, 63% felt that trying to be a ‘supermum’ had driven them to exhaustion and 20% said that the pressure to be ‘supermum’ has affected their mental health.
So how can you move away from this mindset?
It is easier said than done, but try to build some mental health support into your routine.
For some of us this is exercise, for others it means time alone, or talking to someone you love. It might mean seeking help from a professional. Being a parent is hard, magical work and you’re doing an incredible job.
It’s clear from the poll that lots of stress comes from comparison – celebrities, social media influencers and even other mothers[2] are the top sources of pressure to be a ‘supermum’.
Remember your feed is YOUR feed, it’s okay to unfollow or unsubscribe from anything that steals your joy or brings up anxiety.
Seeing that post of beautifully designed activities or a Met Gala-worthy World Book Day costume can be demoralizing but it is only a snapshot of somebody’s day – we really don’t see what is happening behind the scenes.
Talk about it, and reach out for help when you need it
One of the most concerning findings from the poll is that the pressure to be ‘supermum’ is preventing parents from asking for help. In fact, 43% of people who responded struggle to ask their partner for support, and 31% said the need to be seen as ‘perfect’ makes them put on a facade.
Research from 2023 found that "69% of working mums in the UK feel they have suffered some type of discrimination or negative treatment in the workplace due to becoming a mum, and 55% of mums in the UK say they need more help from employers and colleagues to be the working mum they want to be."[3]
Of course, creating an environment where parents can thrive at work is not your responsibility, but knowing that you're not alone in feeling it is impossible to keep up with things they way they are should give you the confidence boost you need to talk to the people who can make a difference if you need to. That's managers, owners and HR departments, as well as other parents at work who may be able to come together and ask for support as a group.
For even more confidence asking for help, have a look at why the research shows it is good for the person who helps you, too, in this article Study shows we should ask for help more often – it makes everyone feel good!
If you need someone to reach out to, the wonderful people at PANDAS are available to talk, text or email for mental health support.
Details of their in-person and online support groups are on their website, along with details of all their services: Home page - PANDAS Foundation UK
Looking after your mental health is so important, for you as a person and for you as a parent, but it isn’t always easy. Striving to always be perfect, without help, is exhausting and it is important to ground yourself and give yourself some grace.
Talk to people you trust about how you feel, and ask for help with specific things that will make a big difference to you.
This research showing how many people struggle with these same feelings can help you to realise that you’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed by the unrealistic pressure of ‘supermum’ stories.
Our blog “I felt like an imposter” – how I learnt to embrace realistic parenting (MFFY.com) talks more about our ethos of realistic parenting, and how to overcome that feeling of not knowing or doing enough.
References:
[1] Bupa (2022) 'UK research among 1000 mums in the UK with children aged 0-16, to explore how parenting pressures have impacted on their mental health and self-esteem'. March 2022. Available online: https://www.bupa.com/news/press-releases/2022/normal-mums
[2] Table 1: The main sources of pressure to be a ‘supermum’ in Bupa (2022) 'UK research among 1000 mums in the UK with children aged 0-16, to explore how parenting pressures have impacted on their mental health and self-esteem'. March 2022. Available online: https://www.bupa.com/news/press-releases/2022/normal-mums
[3] Malteasers (2023) 'Let's Lighten the Load: Relieving the Pressures on Working Mums in the UK and the Netherlands'. White Paper. Available online: https://www.maltesers.co.uk/sites/g/files/fnmzdf601/files/2023-05/Maltesers-Global-2023-MotherLover-WhitePaper.pdf