Why your child needs to hear “no” less and “yes” more
As a parent, ‘no’ can very quickly become a word you find yourself using all too often. Jammy dodgers for breakfast? No. Covering the walls in paint? No. Staying at home instead of going to nursery? No. Letting your three-year-old drive your car? No, no, no!
There are plenty of times we have to say ‘no’ to keep our children safe, healthy, to avoid breaking things or because we have a commitment, like needing to work. But sometimes we become so used to saying 'no', that we don’t stop to ask ourselves whether we might actually be able to say 'yes'.
It can feel good for parents and children alike when we say ‘yes’, and you might find it can even spark some creativity. It can help to set a tone of positivity and support in the home and might even set your child up to land their dream job one day!
Thinking of ways to say yes
Sometimes it only takes a slight pause to give ourselves time to imagine how we could say 'yes', or at least 'yes' to a version of what your child is asking for.
You might not be able to agree to a picture created entirely with nail polish, but could you perhaps use a little to create a small part of it, and use paint or crayons for the rest? There might not have time to get the play dough out before lunch, but how about afterwards? Considering how to (even partially) accommodate your child’s desires might lead to some unexpected creativity or some spontaneous fun, as well as potentially inspiring us to expand our own horizons.
Give choices when you can
We all need to feel we can make decisions about the things that happen to us. From toddlers up, fulfilling your child’s need to be in control is important but may also cause frustration for you both. Balancing choices and boundaries can help.
When possible, let your child make a choice. This might be between two snacks, pyjamas, toys or bedtime stories.
Don't give too many options when your child is first making choices as a toddler, as this can be overwhelming for them. They need to imagine themselves with each of the possibilities to be able to decide which they’d like – and this can be tricky, so two things to choose from might be enough.
Be honest about choices
If your child can’t have a choice, be clear, calm and truthful about this and be ready to support them if they feel sad, disappointed or angry.
When you support them with their sadness or anger, you’re helping them to learn the skills they need to manage these emotions. We all experience disappointment at times and while we aren’t suggesting you’d deliberately upset your child, helping them with these feelings when they have them will build important skills for the future.
This might be saying something like, “I know you’re sad – you didn’t want to go to bed yet but look at my watch: it’s time for bed.”
Your child might still be upset, but by staying calm and clear you can help them see it’s ok to feel upset or disappointed.
Having a bit of a loose script in mind so you say the same or similar thing each time can help you to stay calm and your child to predict what will happen. It might still take lots of repetition for something like stalling at bedtime to lessen, so be ready to do this several times.
Sometimes it’s hard to keep calm when your child isn’t. If you notice you’re starting to feel frustrated, take a moment and some deep breaths, or ask another adult to take over for a bit.
Be consistent and predictable
Your child might find it difficult when they can’t make a choice, perhaps when they must hold your hand to be safe near a road, or they need to go to bed.
Being consistent about boundaries can help them to feel secure, so even if they’re upset when they can’t have a choice, remember that fair boundaries help your child feel safe.
If there are opportunities for choices as part of something that must happen, then include these – it could be as simple as asking “Would you like the blue pyjamas or the red ones?”.
Reasons to avoid using negative phrases
Don’t think about toy monkeys.
Did you just think about toy monkeys? Are you wondering what toy monkeys have to do with your child’s development?
Thinking about how you respond to a negative statement can be helpful when thinking about supporting your child’s understanding and behaviour.
Your child is still developing the ability to control their attention
When your child is busy, or you are in noisy or exciting place, they might find it difficult to really focus on what you’re saying, so might pick out just a few keywords.
If you say, “Don’t run up the slope.” or, “No jumping on the sofa” they might focus on ‘run’ and ‘slope’ or ‘jumping’ and ‘sofa’.
Try to avoid giving child ideas (even if your intention is to tell them what not to do!).
You might think, “I’ll prepare my child before we go to the restaurant with the family by telling them the things they shouldn’t do,” and say, “No running around during the meal and don’t ask Uncle to share his food.”
Your child might not have been thinking about running or sharing food – but they probably will be once you have told them what not to do.
Turn the negatives into positives
Think about how you turn your instructions or requests into positives which will ensure your child understands straight away – and won’t prime them to do precisely the thing you’d rather they didn’t.
“Let’s walk down the slope.”
“Jump on the floor now”, “Let’s go outside and jump together” or even, “Jumping's finished now.”
“We’ll sit down at the table.”
“We’re all going to eat our own food – I wonder what you’ll have?”
Most of us are quite used to instructions and requests being given as negative statements – so this switch might take a bit of practice!
A ‘yes box’ for babies
Babies aren’t too young to enjoy their own version of ‘yes’ – a ‘yes box’. This involves using toy storage to allow your baby to make their own choices, and you can say ‘yes’ to whatever they choose.
What to try
Check the space where your baby plays to make sure everything is safe for them to explore.
Arrange their toys on a low shelf or in a box that they can reach, so they can choose toys themselves.
Use a basket to provide a selection of objects that they can safely explore and sit close by to offer reassurance. Then give them time to play in the way that they choose.
Good to know
As your baby starts wanting to explore their independence, you’ll need to begin to set limits to keep them safe. Making a space for them that is safe to explore in different ways, without you having to step in to protect them, can help your baby to enjoy their autonomy and reduce their frustration.
Benefits of ‘yes’
Knowing your will try your best to say ‘yes’ might help your child to be confident in asking for what they want. This is an important skill for children to learn, so that they can grow into adults who are able to articulate their needs and wishes. Having the confidence to ask for that promotion or to ask for help will serve them well in life, so if we try to say 'yes' when we can, even if it’s only to part of what they would ideally like, we are reinforcing this positive behaviour.
By saying ’yes’ when you can, your child might also be better able to handle ‘no’. It might help them understand you use ‘no’ only when necessary. This might mean that, over time, you can have discussions about what you might compromise on, and which boundaries you need to hold firm.
