What’s great (and not so great) about grandparents
Thinking back on your childhood, if you’re lucky you might fondly remember a grandparent or grandparent-figure. Maybe they indulged you with sweets, told you stories, or let you watch endless cartoons. Perhaps they gave you toys, orange squash, took you to the park or made the world’s best roast potatoes.
We often treasure these memories from our early childhood, with people who cared for us deeply, whose company we could enjoy while also offering a slight break from our daily routine with our parents. Looking back on those times can feel like a rich tapestry composed of tiny moments that forms part of the fabric of who we are as adults.
As parents, navigating relationships with grandparents (your parents or your partner’s parents) can have a completely different dimension. You might have expectations of them that you haven’t discussed, expecting them to be involved in their grandchild’s life in a way they perhaps haven’t envisaged, or you might have different expectations around behaviour or the food your child eats.
Communication is key to navigating these potential issues. Sometimes we need to adjust our expectations as parents of what grandparents would like their role to be. Perhaps they are still working, or have limited energy, and so can’t be involved as regularly as you might assume, or perhaps they are knocking on your door every day and you’re craving a bit of space. Either way, communicating clearly and setting your expectations accordingly can work wonders.
What role do grandparents play in children’s development?
There are 14 million grandparents in the UK, and almost two-thirds of grandparents regularly look after their grandchildren.[1] Experiences in early childhood are important for lifelong learning, health and wellbeing, so scientists have started to look at the role grandparents play in children’s development.[2]
The first important point is that there needs to be much more research into the role grandparents play in children’s lives. Despite growing interest in their role, research studies are often small, and focus on grandmothers rather than on all grandparents.[2]
Learning from evolutionary anthropology
The idea we have of a nuclear family – two parents and a few children living alone, with the adults taking full responsibility for caring and providing for the children – is a new and western idea.
Research in the mid-twentieth century was based on a view of a family with a male ‘breadwinner’ and a female ‘caregiver’[3] but it’s now acknowledged that this view did, and does, not represent many families. Historically, and globally, family roles could be described more accurately as being flexible – children might be cared for by people who aren’t their parents (known as alloparents) as part of day-to-day life.
In many families now, grandparents take an important role in providing a variety of emotional and practical support and perhaps taking on the role of alloparents.[3] In fact, some scientists think that the menopause evolved to allow women to help with rearing grandchildren.[4]
Grandparents and the importance of early experiences
Grandparents might be eager to care for their grandchildren, but they’re also the group most likely to recognise the period from pregnancy to age five as important in shaping children’s futures.[5]
This means many grandparents know that when they care for their grandchildren, they’re not simply babysitting but helping to build their brains!
Bonds and wellbeing
Emotional closeness between grandparents and grandchildren has been found to be positive for both – this closeness has been described in different ways including sharing experiences, trust and enjoyment.[4]
These bonds seem to have benefits for both grandparents and grandchildren in terms of their wellbeing and children’s ability to cope with difficulties.[4]
Different roles
The role of the grandparent is viewed differently in every family. Their involvement with grandchildren might range from simply being available to offer support (while avoiding interfering), to offering lots of practical help with childcare, to an expectation that the grandparents will have authority over decisions within a family.[4]
These expectations, and existing family relationships, can lead to challenges and tensions. Talking with grandparents about these might be helpful (if that’s possible) and sharing the reasons behind your decisions or approaches can help them understand choices they wouldn’t have made themselves.
What if my child doesn’t have grandparents?
We’ve focused on grandparents in this article, but this supporting role might be taken by other people in your life. If your child doesn’t have grandparents, or ones with whom a relationship is easy, think about the other people in your life who offer this type of support.
Your child might develop close relationships with family friends or other relatives, and these will provide the emotional and practical support that grandparents also offer.
Grandparents can be a source of support for parents and children, but this involves being open to new ideas and approaches.
If you’re a grandparent yourself, thinking about the ideas you bring to that role might help you to support your children and grandchildren. It’s important that you listen to what they tell you about how they want to raise their children and avoid falling into seeing their approaches as criticism of your parenting.
Your children are parenting in a very different world, with new pressures and understanding. Just as you approached parenting in a different way to the generation before, your children are thinking about, and finding a way for, this generation.
If grandparents regularly look after your child, using the My First Five Years app can be a brilliant way to get up-to-date information about child development, which has changed since they were parents. It can also help them find easy activities to enjoy with their grandchildren, as well as insight into exactly where they’re up to.
The My First Five Years app is available on the App Store for Apple users My First Five Years on the App Store (apple.com)
And here for Android My First Five Years - Apps on Google Play
References:
[1] Debate: Childcare - 13th Sep 2021 (parallelparliament.co.uk)
[2] Sadruddin, A.F.A., Ponguta, L.A., Zonderman, A.I., Wiley, K. S., Grimshaw, A., & Panter-Brick, C. (2019). How do grandparents influence child health and development? A systematic review. Social Science and Medicine, 239, Article, 112476.
[3] Duflos, M., Giraudeau, C., & Ferrand, C. (2022). What is emotional closeness between grandparents and their adolescent grandchildren? A systematic review. Journal of Family Studies, 28(2). https://doi.org/10.1080/13229400.2020.1752771
[4] Sear, R. (2021). The male breadwinner nuclear family is not the ‘traditional’ human family, and promotion of this myth may have adverse health consequences. Phil. Trans. R. Soc. http://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2020.0020
[5] Ipsos (June, 2023). Understanding public attitudes towards early childhood. Report produced by Ipsos on behalf of the Royal Foundation Centre for Early Childhood. The-Royal-Foundation-Centre-for-Early-Childhood_Public_Perceptions_Survey_first_release_June_2023.pdf (centreforearlychildhood.org)
