Managing tricky relationships over Christmas
Our relationships can really feel the strain at this time of year, when other pressures like financial worries, planning school or nursery holidays, or changes to a family set-up are added to the mix.
Perhaps you are already thinking about that family member who always turns up unannounced, or worried about having to explain that you don’t fancy spending Christmas Day with 30 people you barely see for the rest of the year.
Here, we thought we would share some tips on how to manage tricky relationships over Christmas.
Don’t put off difficult conversations
It can be easy to put off that difficult phone call about who is visiting on the big day, or to avoid bringing up the fact you don’t enjoy a certain family tradition. But not having the conversation won’t mean that the problem goes away. In fact, it can begin to loom even larger in your mind than might be necessary.
If it helps, talk through a potentially difficult conversation with a friend or your partner before having it. You could even write down a few points that you definitely want to raise, so that you can remain clear and logical in the heat of the moment or if a conversation goes off track. Remember that another person’s reaction is out of your control. If they become upset or angry, you can, of course, empathise but these are their emotions to manage, not yours. It’s also worth remembering to keep an open mind going into the conversation. Perhaps the reaction you expect won’t be the one you get, after all.
Consider the time and place you want to have a conversation
A little notice can sometimes be helpful too. Launching into a discussion on the phone when one person is at the supermarket checkout with two tired, hungry children is probably not going to be a positive experience for anyone. A message that says, “I’d really like to chat about our Christmas plans this year, when would be good?” respects both parties’ time commitments and stops anyone being caught off guard.
Write down what you are willing to compromise on and what is non-negotiable
Doing so means that you are far more likely to retain your boundaries. For example, you might have a family member who wants to visit on Christmas Day. Perhaps you are happy for them to visit at some point, but you feel strongly that you want the morning just with your immediate family.
Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes
How are they feeling? Why might they be feeling that way? How might you feel if you were in their position? So, for example, the mother-in-law who always goes over the top buying presents. You might think this is unnecessary and disruptive. But perhaps this is her way of showing how much she cares. Perhaps she doesn’t live close by, so doesn’t understand your parenting choices. Perhaps the fact that she doesn’t live near to you upsets her, so she over-compensates.
This doesn’t mean that you should abandon your own feelings or not communicate why you’d like this to change but taking the time to think might mean that you go into the conversation slightly differently, maybe with more empathy and less frustration, and more willing to listen and understand. And this approach is far more likely to lead to a happy resolution for everyone.
Think win-win
This is something we model at home regularly with our children but then as adults can easily forget. When a child wants a toy that another child is playing with, we acknowledge the feelings (“I can see that you are disappointed because you really want to play with that toy”), then we might offer solutions or let them suggest a resolution (“How about we put a timer on for five minutes then swap?”). We show that some feelings do feel uncomfortable and that’s ok. And we also demonstrate ways that everyone can feel comfortable with the outcome, if we can get a bit creative.
Imagine if we were this kind to ourselves when it comes to difficult situations. Acknowledging and accepting that our feelings aren’t always easy. Getting support with those feelings if required. And also, knowing that if we approach a problem with deep curiosity, perhaps there might just be a way for everyone to come away feeling satisfied with the outcome.
Christmas can come with a lot of expectation and pressure, and sometimes it can be easy to get caught up in what we think it ‘should’ look like. Our advice would always be to go easy on yourself. Yes, this time of year can bring up some difficult emotions. It is ok to acknowledge that.
Remember that magic can be found throughout December, not just on one day. And that the things we sometimes believe are essential for our children to have a good time are not always the things they will remember or need. No family is ‘normal’ – everyone will have different dynamics and situations to negotiate. We are all just doing our best and that is enough.
Hopefully, the ideas above might just help you to approach any conversations a little differently this year!
