Lack of routine driving you mad? Look for a rhythm instead

If you think back to life before children, it may well have looked pretty different. You might have had a different wake-up time (do you remember actually needing an alarm to wake you up?), or perhaps a morning routine involving some exercise, some quiet time or a leisurely coffee. 

It can be hard to imagine the degree of flexibility parenting requires before your baby is born. Little routines and rituals you might have taken for granted disappear overnight, and you might find yourself desperately wondering when you can get some of them back. 

Perhaps because it can feel like such an abrupt change, it can be tempting to try to establish a routine for your baby quickly, which can then feel frustrating if they don’t settle into it easily. 

In the complete chaos of life with a newborn, I remember asking a friend who already had two children what the secret to her seemingly organised life was (I now suspect it was actually that she is just way more organised than me with or without a baby – that's her secret!). She swore by a book that promised to help you establish a routine that would make your baby content and also make you regain a sense of order and control. 

From memory, the routine involved a degree of organisation and precision that was completely beyond me, as well as keeping to a strict routine that seemed to involve being housebound for decent chunks of the day to allow the baby to nap.  

None of my three babies had a nap schedule that was anything approaching predictable until past six months old, despite the hours I spent trying to understand the cues that would show me they were tired, if only I could spot them. With my first, I often found myself turning down outings because I was sure that this routine was important for him, and I wanted to do the right thing. In retrospect, the right thing might have been to let him nap in the pram on the way to meet a friend for a much-needed coffee!  

While it would be lovely to think that there was an easy solution to helping your baby to settle, sleep and have a predictable routine, the truth is that there is no one solution that suits all babies, at all stages, all the time. But it is also true that as they grow, they change, and patterns emerge, then new ones follow, and you will get to know their rhythms as they gradually establish them, over time. 

Think about a rhythm to your day, rather than a routine 

The thought of a routine might feel impossible now, and in some ways that’s true because newborn babies need the adults looking after them to respond to them.  

But thinking about having a rhythm to your day can give you some structure while keeping the flexibility your baby needs. 

Ideas for establishing your rhythm 

There are a few ways that you can start to think about establishing a rhythm to your days (when you are ready), and it doesn’t have to feel regimented or planned down to the exact minute!  

You could start by simply thinking about the order you do things in, for example, maybe the first feed of the morning is followed by getting up and a nappy change. Or, after a nappy change, you have a chat and cuddle before you do the next thing.  

You might decide to go for a walk each morning and slot this in after you dress your baby. You could start an evening routine of wash, story and feed, even if your baby doesn’t go to bed after that feed.  

Starting a sequence of things you do at ‘bedtime’ can help your baby to make associations with these and sleep, as their sleep patterns develop (which can take a long time for some babies!).   

Feeling like you are establishing a rhythm will help you, but you should also know that more order will come, in time. And, speaking from experience, when it does it might feel bittersweet. Your child might have a nap in their cot so you can get some jobs done or just put your feet up, but you might also miss cuddling them as they lie napping on you. Although the early days are some of the hardest, they are some of the sweetest, and it’s possible to want them to end and to never want them to end at exactly the same time. So, try to enjoy the good moments as they happen and know the bad will pass – it’s all part of the journey you are on together. 

Understanding your baby's development will help you notice all the little changes as a pattern slowly emerges (and remind you that most babies have periods where you think there is a pattern and then it disappears again). The My First Five Years app helps you to track your baby’s unique development, which helps you to grow in confidence as a parent. To find out more, visit My First Five Years on the App Store (apple.com)