The optimal sleep situation for an individual family may vary over time, and there may come a stage when caregivers wish to change their existing sleeping arrangements, for example by moving their child to their own bed and/or their own room.
The first question to ask when making a change is whether it is developmentally appropriate. For example, the safe sleep guidelines in the UK recommend room-sharing with your child for at least the first six months. This is a minimum rather than a maximum, and many families find that room-sharing into toddlerhood or beyond is right for them. Even if parents take no steps to encourage solo sleep, all children will eventually show an inclination to move on from their parent’s bed, so there is only a need to take specific action if it feels right for your family.
If it does feel right to move your child, or if you want to make another change to what happens overnight, for example night-weaning your toddler, ditching your child’s dummy, or sharing night-time settling with other caregivers, there are five key things to remember…
As an adult, you have levels of life-experience, perspective, and empathy that your child is still to develop. You can see the ‘bigger picture’ in a way they can’t just yet. You might know that your current sleeping arrangements aren’t sustainable when you return to work next month, or when your new baby arrives. You may feel completely touched out and be ready to put some loving limits in around breastfeeding. It may have become unworkable that your child will only settle if you put them to bed. You are allowed to make the choice to change these things. Raising a family requires a balancing of everyone’s needs and parents cannot continually pour from an empty cup. If something needs to change, give yourself permission to change it.
Just because something needs to change, doesn’t mean that your child should want it to. They are allowed to feel confused, frustrated, disappointed or angry about your decision. By toddlerhood, the things a child wants have begun to diverge from the things they need, and toddlers will typically be very cross indeed when they can’t have something they want – hearing “no” is hard. We can still meet a child’s needs, both physical and emotional, while saying no to something they want, but in saying no, we must be prepared for a child to feel whatever they need to feel about our decision.
Young children don’t have a fully developed frontal cortex – the part of the brain that enables higher level functioning such as emotional regulation. Unlike adults, toddlers can’t “have a word with themselves” to calm down during a stressful event – they rely on adult caregivers to provide calm amid the chaos. Frustration, confusion and anger are normal human emotions, and it is safe for a child to feel those things, within a secure, supportive environment provided by a loving, responsive and trusted caregiver.
Co-regulation is when we share our calm with our child – we let them know through our words, our demeanour and body-language that even though they are finding something challenging, they are safe. To provide that function, we must believe in what we’re asking of them – and that they are capable of it. Being supported by a calm and responsive caregiver won’t always stop the crying because the feelings of confusion and frustration are still there, but a supportive presence is meaningful for a child and provides buffering in those times of stress.
Once you have started making a change, stick with it. The aim is to support your child through the transition that they may find tricky, allowing the situation to resolve positively. When we ‘rescue’ our child, it can reinforce that they can’t master what we’re asking of them. While tears sometimes can’t be avoided, the quickest way to a child being comfortable with the new way of doing things is that the parental response remains consistent. So, if you have committed to a child sleeping in their own room or their own bed, support them in that location rather than intermittently bringing them back in with you. The latter is confusing, and if there is one thing that creates tears, it’s inconsistency.
If the time has come to make a change, whether it’s a different sleep location for your child, how they settle to sleep or who supports them to do that, trust in your decision and in their ability to adjust, which they absolutely will if you are consistent in what you ask of them.