Done in by your to-do list? How to share the (mental) load
Before I had children, I had really only considered the basics of parenting – feeding them, keeping them clean and healthy, and loving them. No need to overcomplicate things.
So, you can imagine the shock I felt not only when I had a newborn, but for all the years that have since followed. I remember a day a year or two ago, when I started to feel like my head might actually burst and out would leak a river of all the miniscule, almost-invisible jobs that I carried in it day after day, week after week, always racing to reach the bottom of a never-ending list which, once completed, would mean I could finally sit down with a nice, empty mind and read a book in a cosy chair. Ha!
Remember odd socks for Odd Sock Day. Pay for the nursery trip. Put a wash on. Book their next haircut. Do they need new shoes? We should probably pop to the shoe shop to check. Reply to that party invitation. Oh, and buy a present for it. Is that jumper labeled for nursery? Better order some labels. Time to put another wash on (I really hope those socks will dry for Odd Sock Day). Organise a play date. Do I need to worry about phonics yet? I read something about it online the other day and I’m not sure if I should know more. More washing. And don’t forget to plan, shop for and prepare three meals and two snacks each and every day, as well as to get them dressed in the morning and give them a calming bath and story before bed each night. Remember to check the weather so you can think about what they might need to wear, or whether they need any sunscreen. Have I spoken to my partner properly today? Oh, and I need to exercise and work. And definitely get more sleep. Ok?
Even just writing that list has stressed me out, yet it’s only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the thoughts that my poor, tired brain processes every single day.
No one sets out meaning to martyr themselves to a to-do list that they scarcely believed could ever possibly be this long, but so many parents quickly feel overwhelmed by it.
Is there anything that might help, or do we just have to accept that life is very, very busy these days?
How did we get here?
There are always times when the mental load of parenting will fall more heavily on one parent than another, and there are many reasons for this both personal to you and formed by the society we live in. It may be because of the way parental leave is structured, the expectations you feel most deeply as a mother or father, or how you and your partner divided roles before children arrived.
Before you know it, you have become the family expert – responsible for not only doing but also remembering, planning for and protecting every important task that keeps life on track.
How to share the mental load
Fortunately, there has been increasing discussion about these often-invisible jobs, that often seem to be done by women, in recent years, which has led to some great tools to help.
This shift is in part inspired by Eve Rodsky and her Fair Play Life movement, which advocates improving the balance of the mental load by talking openly, and playfully, with your partner to create a balance which works better for your whole family.
We do want to acknowledge that this can’t be escaped if you’re lone-parenting, in which case, this recommendation may not be quite right for you, unless you have close friends or family members you can discuss the ideas with and ask to help you a little more with practical tasks.
You can find out about her Fair Play approach through her books, social media accounts and website.
One of the keys to helping you address the mental load in your family is to notice all the invisible work you do, and make it visible to the people who need to know, so everyone has a realistic understanding of what is, and isn’t, possible in the time you have.
All tasks require multiple steps. Your child won’t simply appear at the doctor’s at the right moment for their vaccinations, family celebrations won’t happen without planning, and even simple acts like washing up require a level of invisible work as you mentally calculate how long it will take, when it needs to be done by and how you will fit it in around all your other commitments for the day.
That’s where we think Fair Play Life really comes into play – it makes the task of identifying, discussing and dividing the mental load into a game-like process which can be done in bite-sized chunks instead of feeling like an overwhelming and never-ending conversation.
A key part of the process is to think about the mental load of everything you need to do to run your family versus you and your partner as team. You might not share the load exactly equally, depending on your unique situation, but however you choose to share it will be as a team.
You might find it helpful to pick a time to have a quick catch-up when you need to, perhaps on a Sunday afternoon or evening, to keep tabs on what each person is responsible for in the coming week.
You can find lots of information and ideas about where, and how, to start improving your family’s approach to the mental load of parenting through Eve Rodsky’s social media channels, or in her books Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space, which are both linked below.
We also have a special episode of the My First Five Years podcast with Zoe Blaskey, transformational coach and founder of Motherkind. Listen here.
Fair Play and Find Your Unicorn Space, by Eve Rodsky.
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