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“Say thank you for your present” is a line we repeat time and again at Christmas and birthdays but how much do children really understand why? What are reasonable expectations for young children when it comes to sharing a new toy or being polite when they are given a jumper they have no interest in? And what can we do as adults to support them in these tricky situations? We asked our My First Five Years’ experts for their views.  

Q: Is there a specific age when it's reasonable to expect children to say thank you for gifts? I want my child to have good manners and am keenly aware of others’ expectations but how much do they actually understand about gratitude?

It’s not really about a particular age because every child develops at their own pace. Also, if you decide that at a certain age they ‘should’, it can become a bit of a stand-off – so as a parent you say they have to say thank you, your child says no, then they can't back down from their no. 

Before having children, I was a major fan of Christmas but aware that some of my excitement as an adult was seen as a little bit bizarre. The giddy requests for a stocking. The fact I would still wake up at 5am on Christmas morning brimming with energy, which for some reason didn’t always go down well with my boyfriend as we slept off a heavy Christmas Eve of drinking (he has since become my husband so it can’t have been that annoying).  

So, after having our first baby, I was thrilled that I could finally embrace every single bit of Christmas magic. Children enable you to find magic every day, it’s true. But for most of us, with jobs and errands and other caring responsibilities, stopping for long enough to see that is hard. However, at Christmas, it is right there. The sparkly lights, the carol concerts, the fact that for once you stop to thank people who help you all year round (watch out for a post coming up in December about how young children develop empathy, it’s an interesting read, particularly if you’ve ever tried to wrangle a snatched toy out of a sibling’s sticky hand). The joy is all planned in and readily available at Christmas. It would be so easy. 

Our relationships can really feel the strain at this time of year, when other pressures like financial worries, planning school or nursery holidays, or changes to a family set-up are added to the mix. 

Perhaps you are already thinking about that family member who always turns up unannounced, or worried about having to explain that you don’t fancy spending Christmas Day with 30 people you barely see for the rest of the year. 

We know that this year budgets may already be stretched going into the Christmas period, so you might be reassured to hear that children rarely need dozens of expensive, shop-bought presents.